how to convince your parents to abandon dial-up internet

Many readers will be familiar with the scenario: Your parents still use dial-up internet, no matter what arguments you make. Sometimes it takes creative social engineering to resolve the issue. Here is how I finally convinced my mom to get cable internet service:

I live in a hazardous land ravaged by gila monsters, tornadoes, drive-through margarita bars, dust bowls, coral snakes, scorpions, the State Board of Education, hurricanes, A&M chancellors, tarantulas, Lone Star beer, Sunday Blue Laws, sinkholes, drought, hard water, Williamson County cops, climate-change deniers, locusts, heat waves, gerrymandering, flash floods, Texans, bottom-shelf tequila, and Rick Perry.

And guns are everywhere. Texas state law requires I mount a Kalashnikov next to the sunroof on all my vehicles. Can’t show pictures; the design of my Saturn SL2 technical is state secret. We protect our own property, thereby avoiding the need for income tax.

Nearly got iced for suggesting that the Battle of the Alamo might possibly, maybe, be a slight bit exaggerated.

Oh, and everyone runs red lights, which is legal if you think you are important.

In Texas, men are real men, women are real women, and the bats are extremely rabid. We don’t waste time with experts: Everyone here is equal to all and better than most!

I moved to this rough-and-tumble place from comparatively civilized Oregon. Now my mom worries about me. A lot. So whenever something scary happens here (e.g. a nutjob flies a plane into an IRS building or wildfires lurk on the horizon), I call her to let her know I’m okay. She still worries.

So I figured if I start posting the “I’m still alive” messages on my Google+ feed instead of calling, she’ll have to check the site whenever she hears about a disaster in central Texas. And since users of slow internet connections will find Google+ very tedious, she’ll need a connection faster than dial-up. This plan is foolproof.

And it worked!

CODA:  I politely ran this text by my mom before posting it. She laughed and approved the message.  🙂

Post Author: badassdatascience

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